How To Forgive

Today, you’re going to learn how to forgive.

“We have to forgive to survive in the labyrinth.”
- Pudge
(John Green, Looking for Alaska)

We create an insane amount of suffering in our
lives by holding onto grudges and resentment.

What’s interesting, is that 100% of the time,
our lack of forgiveness only makes things much
worse. Not only does it build up like a poison
inside of us and disconnects us from others,
but it also pretty much ensures that we will
get hurt again.

We carry a weight that we just can’t seem to
let go of, and it just gets heavier every day
because time heals nothing.

The good news is, you can let it all go. All you
need to do is forgive.

So let’s get right to it.

First of all, what is forgiveness?

Well, to put it simply, it just means to give
as before. To love as before. To care as before.
To give in a relationship the way you gave before
the perceived transgression took place.

It does NOT mean forget. It does not mean that
you’ll trust someone again. There are people in
your life that you shouldn’t trust for a reason.

If someone stole your money in the past, don’t go
handing them your checkbook.

But that doesn’t mean you can’t forgive them.

Secondly, why do we not forgive?

Now, this may seem obvious, but it’s actually really
helpful to identify why we we choose not to forgive,
and why we are so freaking stubborn.

So although it’s completely irrational, the real reason we
do NOT forgive is that we are seeking to punish ourselves
or other people.

That’s it. We are just trying to punish. And there is
NOTHING productive about this. No good comes from our
resentment.

For some reason we feel like by holding on to it, it
somehow teaches a lesson. This is utterly delusional.

We have this crazy idea that if we were to forgive them
and let it go, we would be sending them the message that
what they did was okay.

We hold on and on because we are afraid they won’t be
punished or learn their lesson if we let go.

Even if the other person has moved on, it’s like your
sinking hooks into them and saying, “Nu-uh! We are going
to stay stuck forever.”

And what’s funny is a lot of times, there are people you
are holding grudges against who have no idea that they hurt
you in any way, so your attempts to punish them are going
utterly unnoticed, while they move on and live their life!

“HOW DARE THEY?!”

Now we may be tempted to feel like it’s useful to hold
a grudge with the intention of protecting ourselves from
further pain and harm.

But we must understand that trust is a completely different
animal, and we can make far more accurate judgement calls
when we are no longer blinded by our resentment.

Okay, so we’ve talked a lot about why we don’t forgive.
So how do we actually forgive and quit playing this game
that just keeps up stuck?

——————————————————————————————
STEP NUMBER 1 – LET YOURSELF BE THE PROACTIVE VICTIM
——————————————————————————————

So, depending on how long you’ve been withholding your
forgiveness, you’ve already been playing the role of a
victim for quite a while.

And there are benefits to being a victim. You get to be
right about how you or someone else is wrong. You get to
receive pity. You get attention.

But if you let go and stop being a victim, the benefits
are far more rewarding. There’s a huge difference between
being a wimpy victim and a proactive victim.

And in order to let go, you need to give yourself one
more opportunity to be the ultimate victim.

Here’s how it works:

I’m sure you’re familiar with the concept of “muscle memory.”
Although muscle memory doesn’t technically exist and it is
an overly simplistic way of describing it, you get the concept:

We record experiences in our lives on a mental and cellular
level based on repetition, so we are able to easily recall
movements and make decisions based on past events.

This next part may sound weird, but just roll with me.

In addition to “muscle memory”, we have “emotional memory.”

All of the pain that you have experienced has been recorded as
well. The energy of that pain is stuck inside of you, until you
let it go. We’re able to recall the emotion of stuff that happened
to us, all the way back when we were just babies.

So in order to forgive, you must first let go of all of that
pain and resentment that you’ve let fester around inside of
you for however long.

There are about 257 billion ways to do this, but here’s a couple
of ideas that will get you moving in a productive direction:

Option Number 1: Talk to the person and express your feelings.

If you go this route, here are a few key things to consider:

- You CANNOT have an agenda. You cannot use this as yet another
opportunity to punish someone. You cannot be looking for them to
apologize or make amends. This is simply an opportunity for you
to express your feelings, and you can let them know up front that
they have no reason to take any of what you might say personally.

Just ask them to listen. Let them know you don’t necessarily want
a response from them, and you certainly don’t want their sympathy
or comfort. You just want them to know how you feel.

- Let them know you’ve been foolish and just have some things you’d
like to say. You don’t have to forgive them here, you just have to
express your feelings.

Option Number 2: Write a letter to the person and express your feelings.

In many cases, the person you need to forgive more than anyone else
is yourself. This is where a letter or a mirror might come in handy.

A letter may be a lot easier for you, or a lot more possible (as
tragically, sometimes it is the deceased that we need to forgive).

Let yourself be vulnerable and express everything there is to say.

Write about how frustrated and hurt you are. Write about all of the
ways that that person has wronged you. Write about how much they suck.

Hold nothing back. No one is judging you.

Option Number 3: Release the energy through catharsis.

This might seem really weird, but it’s extremely effective,
and it doesn’t necessarily involve anyone else.

This is when you let all of the pain and energy surface and you
physically release it. You can hit a pillow, use a bat to whack
something with, pound on a chair with open palms, or just scream
and shout.

If you let the emotion surface and allow yourself to release it,
it makes room for you to naturally heal and forgive.

Here’s one of the problems with all of these options:

Sometimes we’ve repressed our feelings for so long we have a
hard time feeling them.

A great way to get them to surface is to replay the memory
of past events. This might be hard, but I promise it’s worth
it. You are letting yourself feel the pain for the purposes
of healing, not for punishment or torture.

Use music to support you (perhaps there is music that brings
you back to that time).

Maybe there are locations that you could physically bring
yourself to that brings up the emotion.

Whatever you need to do, bring the emotion up, and release it.
Once you have released the energy and allowed yourself to be a
proactive victim, you’re ready for the next step.

If you have any reservations about how weird this all seems,
you may want to ask yourself if you value being appropriate
more than you value your own freedom.

You have a lifetime to be appropriate. Give yourself this one
opportunity to be crazy.

————————————————
STEP 2 – PROACTIVELY FORGIVE
————————————————

Often times after doing the first step, you already feel there
is no longer anything to forgive. Even so, this next step is
really important, as it truly solidifies the forgiving.

Remember, you are forgiving for YOU, and no one else (although
others will most likely greatly benefit from it as well).

You are reclaiming YOUR power.

Here’s a couple of ways you can proactively forgive:

1. Write a letter expressing your forgiveness.

Here’s how to start your letter (or letters):

“Dear so-and-so, I hereby reclaim my power. And I forgive you for:”

Then write about what you forgive them for. Make the list. Talk about
all of it.

And then, “I ask you that you forgive me for:”

Then write about what you ask forgiveness for. Because often times,
it comes full circle and it turns out we have a lot we are sorry about
too.

Write as many letters as you need. It can be to total strangers that
hurt you, yourself, or people who are near and dear to you. Let it all
be said. Let it all be written.

It’s up to you whether or not you actually deliver the letter to the
person. I highly recommend you do (as long as you’re safe), but
this exercise will do you good, either way.

You choose what to do with the letters in the end.

2. Speak to the person and forgive them.

This is very similar to the letter itself. It can be in person,
or on the phone. But actually speak with the person and forgive
them, using the same structure outlined above.

“I hereby reclaim my power and I forgive you for, and I ask you
to forgive me for.”

Let’s move onto the final step.

——————————————————–
STEP 3 – DOCUMENT YOUR LEARNING
——————————————————–

What have you learned from your experience?
What have you learned about you as a result of your grudges?
What have you learned about others?
What have you learned about forgiveness?
How does it feel?

Write about it. Additionally, you can share about it with
a trusted friend or family member.

This is just a great way to immortalize your experience of
liberation and to have evidence of the value of forgiveness,
lest you decide to resent again. This is something you can
always refer back to.

Plus, it creates great closure for the entire experience, and
ends the vicious cycle that you’ve put yourself through.

Something about stopping to put your thoughts in writing
instead of letting them forever spin around in your head
can be really freeing.

And that’s it! Let me know in the comments below what
you have learned, and if you’d like to be awesome beyond
words, go out and forgive and come back to share your
results. I’m excited to hear from you.

———————————————————————————

That’s all I’ve got for you today, I hope you found
this beneficial. I wish you all the best in your quest
of forgiveness. It’s definitely one of the best decisions
you’ll ever make.

I’ve been used, abused, lied to, cheated on, and abandoned
many times throughout my life, and forgiveness has made all
of the difference.

If you would like to see more videos like this, be sure to
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little bit brighter and a little bit better every week with
our videos.

Thank you for watching, and I hope to see you soon!

Joshua Voiles

Success is about enjoying the process and journey of creating something bigger than oneself, it’s not even about the end result.

If you don’t love the road you’re on, perhaps consider choosing a different path.

No amount of love, money, or fame will ever make you happy. Once you get there, you’ll find life just as dissatisfactory as you do now – with a brand new list of wants and desires in your fruitless quest for happiness.

In short, nothing outside of you will ever get you what you want. EVER.

It begins and ends inside of you, and your outer world reflects your inner reality.

Life is a journey. Set goals, create and accomplish them, and then embrace that what’s next is always just another great big grand adventure.

And death is no exception.

Here’s my example:

1. I wrote, produced, and presented Mari’s 9th annual birthday song with Walter’s mixing and mastering assistance.

2. I launched the 7 in 7 Project with a batch of 11 super-awesome “beta testers.” It has since been a great success, has created a lot of value for the participants, and their followers.

3. I also contributed 7 pieces of my own valuable content over the last 7 days. Including 3 videos, two songs (including a music video), and 2 blog posts.

4. I hiked Cecret Lake with my sweetheart on her birthday, and coordinated a powerful tribute for her.

5. I began critiquing the author Brett Harward’s content for an upcoming launch I’m engineering and marketing.

6. I got in at least an hour of shooting hoops, and have noticeably improved my aim and accuracy.

7. I read and finished my “first” bit of fiction in over 3 years, in the form of “Harry Potter and the Half-Blood Prince.”

8. Just this morning, I engineered and launched a marketing campaign that has so far (as of 4:26 PM, August 9th) generated 232 sales, totaling $68,440 dollars.

9. I spent a few evenings with my family, including a dinner with my younger brother McKay, where he showed me the finished product of an iPhone game that I assisted in creating and will now be marketing – The game itself being a result of the training I provided him and his team.

10. With Mari’s assistance, we edited and are now duplicating a 9-disc DVD set of a seminar one of my clients just held at the end of July.

11. I had the sweet privilege of connecting with my older brother and my first niece on Facebook while she had the hiccups.

12. I completed my second month of eating primarily raw, and gained still more clarity on what my body needs to thrive.

13. I had several in-depth conversations with Mari and discovered some truly powerful insights.

14. Launched a webinar countdown that will go live this Thursday. We have 631 people currently registered. Based on our statistics historically, this upcoming webinar should bring in at least $75,000 in found revenue.

15. I received a “debt of gratitude” from a friend, in the form of a nice card and some cash.

16. I treated myself to a 2 hour Russian sports massage.

17. I brainstormed and wrote down seventeen new pieces of upcoming content for my blog.

18. I experienced a handful of challenges and failures, and learned some valuable lessons about optimizing certain processes in my business, tweaking my home environment, and giving myself proper renewal time and activities. These lessons have been priceless and made my entire week invaluable.

PLEASE POST BELOW YOUR VICTORIES AND ACCOMPLISHMENTS OF THE LAST 7 DAYS… THANKS!

Here’s Mari’s 9th annual birthday song.. It sounds a heck of a lot better when it isn’t streamed, but here ya go!

Special thanks to Walter Allred for mixing and mastering the vast majority of this song. He’s a heck of an audio engineer.

Enjoy:

In this blog post, you’re going to learn what gift to give someone that will deeply impact them, create an immeasurable amount of value, and form a bond between you that will strengthen forevermore.

If you follow through with what I outline below, you will radically impact the relationships you have with others, whether they are friend, foe, or family.

DISCLAIMER: This is based solely on my personal experience of myself and my close friends and family. This has never failed me and I see no reason why it would ever fail for you. In fact, if you do this and it DOES fail, I’ll give you a big ol’ sack of money. You may also have a totally different opinion, and that’s awesome.

What Is This Gift?

This may seem obvious, but the type of gift that creates the most impact are the ones that are CREATIVE, and come purely from your heart. And trust me, if you really want to give a Heartfelt Ultra-Valuable gift, you need to put a LOT of heart into it.

Consider this:

1. How often have you received some random gift or knick-knack that you certainly enjoyed and appreciated in the moment?

How long did you love and appreciate that gift? Do you even remember it?

2. How many times have you received something that’s of total utility, usefulness, and value to you? The sort of gift that you put to use almost every day, and still use?

How often has this happened? And how has it impacted the relationship you have with the person who gave it to you?

Lastly, consider this;

3. How often have you been given a gift that came entirely from the giver’s heart, it was so powerful, vulnerable, and loving that is literally moved you to tears and created an awe-inspiring connection between you and the giver?

Chances are, this hasn’t happened often. But if it has, you remember it – and your relationship with that person has never been the same.

So this is the sort of gift I am proposing you create and experience the results of giving.

The Perfect Recipe For A Heartfelt, Ultra-Valuable Gift

Here’s the criteria for the perfect Heartfelt, Ultra-Valuable (HUV) gift:

1. It must come purely from you heart. From your love, appreciation, and gratitude for the person who will be receiving it.
2. It must be creative, and something that you coordinate or construct personally. The actual gift might not even INVOLVE your presence (in the case of a foe, perhaps if they saw you they would smash your face in with brass knuckles – but you can certainly coordinate something with their friends and family that would touch them).
3. Setup the conditions such that the receiver is truly OPEN to receiving your love. This can sometimes prove to be a challenge, but it makes all of the difference in the world! (Trust me on this one).

Optional awesomeness-stacking:

- Deliver it on a day of significance to that person. It may be a birthday, anniversary, Christmas, the day a loved died in their life, etc.

- Involve other people that are significant to them.

- Make it immortal (outside of the memory of a precious moment), like a video, piece of artwork, photograph, song – something they can see and experience over and over again.

How Do I Create Such A Gift?

How you create this is up to you. There really is no specific way of going about this, as I’m sure you are aware. This can look like anything. I’ll give you some examples of the things I’ve done to get your creative juices flowing:

- Tribute them in silence.

- Write a song, that is intimate, personal, and moving. (This is something I’ve done annually for the last 8 years for my sweetheart’s birthday).

- Coordinate for all of the person’s friends, family, mentors, and other significant relationships to share what they love and appreciate about them on video, and create a montage. (This is also something I’ve done a few times, with excellent results).

- Take them to a place that has deep significance to them (and you may not know this place unless you ASK – simply asking can take you a long way to creating an amazing gift), and tell them how much they mean to you.

- Gather up as many family and friends as you can, form a tunnel, blindfold the receiver and have them walk through the tunnel as a surprise, as the people in the tunnel whisper the magnificence they see in the receiver.

- On and on and on, I could come up with these all night.

Here’s What To Do Next:

First, make a commitment to yourself that the next time you are going to give someone a gift you will ONLY give them the Heartfelt, Ultra-Valuable Gift I just outlined. This not only will open up doors that have previously been closed, but it’ll also begin to teach your relationships what to expect from you.

The temptation here is to give a few material gifts, as well as the HUG gift. At the end of the day, you’ll do what you want (as everyone always does), but if you’re going for maximum value – give only the HUV gift.

Next, get to work on coming up with ideas for an HUV gift! Perhaps someone in your family has an upcoming birthday – what an awesome opportunity. You can even make a list of people you intend to give an HUV gift to, and based on what you know they value, get crafting something personal and powerful for them.

I’d love to hear your thoughts on what you intend to create for your relationships, and some ideas for a HUV gift. Please leave a comment below and share your ideas!

Consider this perspective. As valid as any other…

”I am very happy and proud of what my son did and, frankly, am a bit jealous,” says Hassan Hotari, 54, father of the young man who carried out the attack June 1 outside a disco in Tel Aviv. ”I wish I had done it. My son has fulfilled the Prophet Mohammed’s wishes. He has become a hero! Tell me, what more could a father ask?”

If you died tomorrow and you were to ask yourself,

“Did I live my life fulfilled? Did I love openly? Did I truly matter?”

What are you most passionate about, and what are the conditions that you need to put in place in order to live your passions and be fulfilled?

Leave a comment below…